Ever since I was a kid I’ve always wanted to be a shark. People would ask me “What do you want to be when you grow up ?” “I wanna be a shark ! A shark !”
Here I am, 24 years – still a fucking human. But how could I achieve this dream ? I mean couldn’t it be possible to somehow transplant my excellent brain into a shark ? But sharks don’t have the same brains as humans, so there’s a big fat question mark on how to achieve this. Could I somehow extract my conciousness, transform it into liquid form, fill it up in a small container and then inject this liquid-conciousness into the brain of a shark? Because you know, I kinda want to be aware that I’ve become a shark – I still want to be me.. Only a shark.
If not hi-tech works, maybe I’ll turn religious and go out Hindu style ? Because Hinduism says that if I do nice things I’ll become something better in my next life. But do I get to choose ? If that’s the case, couldn’t I just go out and do REALLY nice things for a whole weekend, then shoot myself, pick “shark” from some old ancient list and then BAM ! Shark-time ! Is this how it works ?
Well I have no fucking idea on how to achieve this, it makes me really sad. I’m 100% serious about this – I KNOW there is a way ,there must be. The truth is out there, could you find it for me Mulder ?
Damn right you’ll need a bigger boat you fucking cunts !
I’m having an intense hangover from yesterday. My head pounds every time I move it, I’ve managed to get sick, I have no money left and I’m bleeding. What the fuck.
On top of everything I’m at work, and I’ve been here the whole day and I’ll be here until midnight. Fuck me this is horrible. I can’t really remember much from last night. Although I have made 23 phone calls, of which I remember one. But I can’t really remember what I said and it’s probably for the best that I don’t. I do remember playing Blackjack and drinking rum, and then I yelled at someone. But the rest is blurry. The thing is that I knew I was going to work today but since I didn’t get any day off this weekend either I felt that I deserved to get drunk and have some fun.
But it wasn’t until somewhere between waking up and throwing up at work that I realised just how fucked I was.
Some guy is doing a travel program about a Voodoo tribe. So he’s in this jungle with his cameraman performing a ritual where they’ve turned his penis inside out. They’ve somehow managed to turn it inside out going INTO his body. So this guy is really starting to lose it and staggers around looking really sick telling his cameraman to stop laughing because – “It’s not funny ok !? It feels so damn weird, oh god” While the people from the tribe just walked around smiling. It was the absolute peak in television history and it will never happen again.
2. Conan O’Brien visits Finland
It’s impossible to pick just one moment from Late Night and the short-lived Tonight show. But the time when Conan went to finland has to count as one of the absolute best Conan moments. Also the last week of Late Night was great, when Conan destroyed a new piece of the studio every day. I loved both shows and I watched them every day. It’s something I really miss and I can’t wait for Conan to get back on TV. I think I saw every episode of his Tonight Show, and surely a whole lot of the Late Night ones.
3. The interview
A television program for kids had arranged an interview for kids to ask two rappers questions about downloading music for free. What could have been another boring interview with greedy artists turned out to be something awesome. The first kid who entered asked the obviously staged first question “What do you think about the fact that millions of people are downloading music illegally ?” The answer from one of the rappers was that “You shouldn’t care about what’s legal and not legal, it’s often more important what’s socially accepted – like having sex with animals is not illegal but it isn’t socially accepted”. But the greatness didn’t stop there. They continued to talk about that struggling artists should get money from stealing bikes and selling them. The perfect interview.
So my original plan for the night was to watch the new Blu-Ray movies I bought from Amazon, but I arrived home too late from work and missed the delivery guy. So what do you do ? I can’t go to sleep, that would be a total waste of free time away from work. It’s not that I don’t have other Blu-Ray movies – In fact I think I have too many. It’s just that I feel like watching something.. something else.
Well I decided to go straight against my original plan and dust of my old 80’s low tech gear ! It was time for VHS and Super Famicom. Now I know almost everyone hates Jaws 3, but I also know that I don’t. But I don’t know why I don’t hate it, I really can’t understand it myself.
The point is ; I popped it in the second I got the VHS running. This old tape is really starting to fall apart, all underwater scenes are a complete blur of blue and grey.. But I like it this way. You can’t really tell what’s the shark and what’s just a cliff or even just plain water. It’s all the same mess.
I also watched Alien, but everyone loves this movie. But who is stupid enough to watch it on VHS in 2010 ? Well I just did, and it’s awesome. The cover even advertises the intensity of its HI-FI STEREO sound. Who could resist ?
I don’t know if it’s just my nostalgic memories that fools me but I’ve always felt that some movies look better in crappy quality.. Take Terminator as a prime example, and I do mean Terminator 1 specifically. The grainy, blurry look of the movie gives it the perfect feeling. I bought it on Blu-Ray and everything looked so clean and tidy. Everything looked new.. Now that’s perfect for Terminator 2 but not for the first one.. It should look the way it looks on VHS. And whenever I watch T1 & T2 I always watch the first one on VHS and then the second one in Hi-Def. Oh and as a bonus you always get that dial tone at the beginning of each tape ? The fuck is that ? I tell you what it is, it’s classic.
Anyway, I never got around to playing Grand Theft Auto either , so I figured that I should keep with the spirit of retro and play Starfox the whole night… Naked.
Because that’s the only way to beat the last stage on the hardest road.